Troy is playing a beach house song on a set of drums. He’s making really intense bass faces for a bit and someone giggles at that. Then he begins to get woozy-looking, and turns over to retch although he doesn’t exactly retch, and then he faints into his drum stand, and no one but me notices…

If you see someone vomiting in front of you in the dream signifies that a close relative or friend is actually an enemy. It shoes that somebody is pretending to be your true friend while secretly trying to harm you or take advantage of your trust. Vomiting dreams observed by women signify that she will be devoid of some expected gains from other person due to some reason or other. (……….. but he does not vomit.)

To dream that you are fainting, suggests your inability to confront some unconscious issue or feelings. You need to be more aware and acknowledge of those feelings. To see a family member faint in your dream signifies that you will hear some indiscreet activities from that person. (Probably don’t believe that, either, though he was doing some intense texting yesterday. Maybe it is more the inability to confront feelings.)

I am dancing with a very tall, very handsome dark-haired man. He is extremely well-dressed — almost in a tuxedo though not quite, but lots of blacks and reds — and has like sideways-combed formal hair. No idea what I am wearing. He is so tall that he can pick me up off the ground and I am probably like five feet off the ground. The dancing is wonderful! So smooth! I have such a good time, and at the end, he picks me up so that we are face to face, and it seems like we might kiss, but we do not. At some point, I see Amanda; there is some talk about her looking for some sort of dress. We are “backstage” though not exactly that — but we are in some sort of large building area, like a wedding with a back area that the bride hangs out in, though it’s not a wedding, either. I feel like there are some gardens or something, manicured pieces of yard, anyway. Don’t remember much else. The man leaves so that Amanda and I can talk, and I expect the goodbye to be really dramatic, like when he had picked me up to look me in the eye, but it is very normal; he steals away.

To dream that you are dancing signifies freedom from any constraints and restrictions. Your life is in balance and in harmony. Dancing also represents frivolity, happiness, gracefulness, sensuality and sexual desires. You need to incorporate these qualities in your waking life. If you are dancing with a partner, then it signifies intimacy and a union of the masculine and feminine aspects of yourself. To dream that you are attending or going to a dance indicates a celebration and your attempts to achieve happiness. Consider the phrase the “dance of life” which suggests creation, ecstasy, and going with what life has to offer you.

To dream that others are taller than you suggests that you have a tendency to overlook things. Perhaps you feel that a higher power is always looking over you and judging your actions. Alternatively, the dream denotes low self-esteem issues. You are looking down on yourself. (I was short, but he has picked me up so that we can look one another in the eyes…)

To see or wear a tuxedo in your dream represents culture, sophistication, and/or grace. It refers to a cultivated passion and your desires for the finer things in life. Alternatively, a tuxedo suggests that you want to amount to something in your life. You want to make a name for yourself and establish your reputation. (Only partially applicable.)

Dressing Rooms
To dream that you are in a dressing room suggests that you are trying to fit into some new situation or role. You are working on a fresh self-image. (Only partially applicable.)

To dream that you are backstage symbolizes opportunities and access. You need to make sure to take advantage of this limited time opportunity. Alternatively, the dream indicates that there are aspects of yourself that you are reluctant to express or show. Or it may also mean that you need to look at some situation or problem from a new perspective. (Only partially applicable.)

To see a neat and well-kept yard, reflects your ability to maintain and organize aspects of your outside life, such as work and your social activities. (Only partially applicable.)

Dream #1
At some sort of amusement park or something place, public in the day but a bit shady at nighttime. While at the park, it is expansive but there is something strange about gravity there, where the whole idea is that people are put into positions or activities which feel different or strange under the influence of this different gravity. The two activities I remember most are related to lying or sitting sideways, and I see the entire park from an overhead perspective, like a map, at some point, and those horizontal activities are most noticeable on the map, showing up as brightly colored objects, outlined like lawn chairs or jungle gyms or something. Walking in there is one of those patches to the right of the path, and there is one towards the left, more buried within other activities. The first one I have tried and speak fondly of it and its effects; the second I see in my mind that groups of people have tried it, it’s a bit like they are stretching around a pool, or doing yoga or something. (Gives me an idea for a video, where people are shown in fish eye lenses, dancing is contorted and then angled to be even more contorted, like some sort of circus freak show of synchronized swimming proportions!) It seems particularly fascinating, and I make a mental note of trying it, though for now I can only view it like a camera or something. Lots of beautiful sunlight and light upon the thing, which I see almost like with an eagle’s eye perspective. Fast-forward, and we’re behind the scenes, the sun setting but not until that late because it doesn’t get dark until 9:30 in the Pacific NW these days. At some point, the group I am with is told to leave the back premises, again because it is getting late even though the sky’s not yet dark, and to ascertain their authority the owner first sends the henchman, and we kind of listen but he seems too much of a friend (even though he is not friendly) to take seriously. He comes out and locks the door and tells us to leave, though we still hang around. The owner then emerges from another door and says similar things, and finally, we do. The park is owned by two dudes, I gather, with another person who is kinda involved who keeps popping in and out. There are hallways within the locked doors, into which I go at some point, though I don’t remember much. It is laid out similarly to the main park only in that there is a central road that goes through it. There is one circumstance where a mention of the sky getting dark early is noted, and someone comments that it’s impossible for it to be dark by 5pm, and someone else (evil sidekick) suggests that it was during the wintertime, maybe. This discussion happens while we’re watching from afar a boat within a gorge, swirling wires around an electric tower and circling around it over and over again. Dark blue water and a white boat set against a backdrop of browns. It seems that it is looking to take down the tower completely, and seems to… soon I’m sideline the shore of where that’s happening rather than distant, and people are being electrocuted in the space, individually and as a group, particularly a rock band that is suffering intensely, and they are sloppily thrashing about into one another while falling off the water or moving onto the shore again. You can feel their pain; I particularly notice the thrashing of a guitarist even though everyone seems to be suffering equally. Soon the shore becomes a more insular room or something and a group of people and I move inwards into a dorm, for protective purposes. Inside I get a top bunk near the door and everyone else is tired and sleeps; there are probably five others in the immediate room I am in, all on bunks, and someone who has taken the back room, which has a raised platform but no beds. I try to stay awake and watch television, but my watching it wakes up others because they say it is too loud even though I have tried repeatedly to make it quieter. I am watching a black and white show, I think. I am lying down, and after someone complains, I reach up to turn the volume down – but the down button keeps turning the volume up. Finally, I turn it off. Fast-forward and I’m right outside the dorm, I think. Forget what happens but Troy and I are talking about the new Chase credit card and I tell him firmly not to buy me anything because I don’t need anything.

Interpretation: Two rides – one I have already been on – with an obvious potential for electrocuting, with my power, the guitarist. Possible misguided interpretations of the television and the sound.

Amusement Park
To see or be in an amusement park in your dream indicates that you need to set some time for more relaxation and enjoyment in your life. The rides, booths and elements in the amusement park are an expression of some aspect of yourself or some area in your life.

To walk through an open path in your dream signifies clarity of thought and peace of mind. It also symbolizes your progress.

To dream that you are traveling or walking sideways suggests that you are not approaching your problems or issues head on. You need to be more straightforward in your approach. Be more direct.

To see or study a map in your dream suggests that your current life path will lead to fulfillment of your needs and realization of your goals. It also indicates that you are set on the path to self knowledge and self discovery. If you have difficulties understanding or reading the map, then it means that you are feeling lost. You are literally still trying to find yourself and figure out where you want to go in life.

To feel gravity in your dream represents the weight and pressure you feel on you. You are feeling overwhelmed. Problems, work or stress is literally weighing you down. To dream that you feel no gravity suggests that you are able to let go of your problems and rise above the situation. You are experiencing new found freedom. Nothing seems overwhelming or too difficult to handle.

Bird’s Eye View
If you dream that you are turning into a bird or seeing things from a bird’s eye view, it means that a personal transformation is in store for you soon.

To dream that you are stretching suggests that you are in need of some relaxation. Alternatively, the dream may be a metaphor that you are “stretching” yourself too thin, either financially, physically, emotionally or time-wise.

To dream of sunshine indicates that you are experiencing some sort of emotional or situational breakthrough. The dream is offering you reassurance that you are headed on the right track.

To see the sunset in your dream indicates the end of a cycle or condition. It is a period of rest, contemplation and evaluation.

To see a hallway in your dream symbolizes self exploration. It is the beginning of the path that you are taking in life. You are going through a transitional phase and journeying into the unknown. It also signals spiritual enlightenment, emotional growth physical prowess, new opportunities and mental passages in your life.

To dream that the door is closed or locked signifies opportunities that are denied and not available to you or that you have missed out on. Something or someone is blocking your progress. It also symbolizes the ending of a phase or project. In particular, if you are outside the locked door, then it suggests that you have anti-social tendencies. If you are inside the locked door, then it represents harsh lessons that need to be learned.

To see the shore in your dream suggests that your emotional needs are satisfied and inner turmoil has been resolved. It refers to the point where the conscious mind meets the subconscious. You have come to a place of solace and comfort. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you have explored all your options and need to think outside the box. There is still endless possibilities for you to consider.

To dream that you are in or see a boat signifies your ability to cope with and express your emotions. Pay particular attention to the condition and state of the waters, whether it is calm or violent, clear or murky, etc. Are you “smooth sailing”? Alternatively, you may be ready to confront your subconscious and unknown aspects of yourself. The dream could be telling you not to rock the boat and to stay out of harm’s way.

To dream of electricity symbolizes vigor and life energy. You need to be revitalized. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you need to conserve your energy. To dream that the electricity is fried or out indicates your lack of insight and perspective on a situation. Electricity often represents power and it will depend on the context of the dream which aspect of power is being highlighted. To dream of electrical wires is to be aware of our capability and perhaps our use of energy, while to dream of switches is to be aware of the ability to control situations around us. (The boat is circling an energy flow around, actively. It is trying to take down the tower, to end that energy.)

To dream of an electrocution indicates that the current course of your actions will lead to disaster. The dream also represents fear and the consequences of your actions. You need to be more aware of your surroundings and those around you. (The boat is circling an energy flow around, actively, and it might explode things. And people.)

Electric Guitar
To see or play an electric guitar in your dream signifies the power and strength of your passions. You clearly express your feelings to others. (The energy flow is encircling the power and strength of another’s passions?)

To dream that you find or discover a new room suggests that you are developing new strengths and taking on new roles. You may be growing emotionally. Consider what you find in the discovered room as it may indicate repressed memories, fears, or rejected emotions. Alternatively, such rooms are symbolic of neglected skills or rejected potential.

Bunk Beds
To see bunk beds in your dream represent childhood and innocence. Alternatively, it may refer to diverging and conflicting views of sexuality. You may have difficulties expressing your needs and desires. (I don’t feel this to be true in this case.)

To dream that you are watching television represents your mind and its flowing thoughts. The dream reflects how you are receiving, integrating, and expressing your ideas and thoughts. The programs you dream of watching are an objective view of the things that are in your mind. To dream that the television is broken or that the picture is fuzzy suggests that you are looking at a problem all wrong. You need to re-evaluate an issue.

To dream that you are turning up the volume suggests that you are demanding to be heard. No one is paying attention to what you are saying. You are feeling overlooked or overshadowed in some waking situation. To dream that you are turning down the volume indicates that there is something that you are refusing to hear. You may be rejecting what your inner voice or instinct is trying to convey. To dream that the volume is too loud indicates that you are forcing your opinions and views on others. You are too overbearing and/or confrontational. (I am attempting to turn down the volume — trying not to hear — but the opinions and views are making themselves heard anyway…)

Credit Cards
To dream about credit cards, relate to your worth, value and/or credibility. Depending on your waking experiences, the credit cards may symbolize being in debt and your attitudes about money, work, and thrift. (Trying to give me energy? And I say no?)

Dream #2
The dream has been going long before this, but this is what I remember… Chris, Adam, Troy, and I hop into a van, and I am the first one in, I think, climbing into the back seat but getting confused a bit about seating for some reason. Chris is driving; Troy is shotgun; Adam is in the back with me. We are returning to somewhere but then, as we pass one intersection, me and Adam – though I think it may have turned into Shua – notice a bunch of giant paper cut objects, which look a bit like cakes or giant candles. They are set against a wooded backdrop, kinda, though they are serving kinda as the entrance to fences (there are real fences also) and inside is a clearing. The real forest is across the street from them. I tell Chris that he should turn around so we can check out the paper cuts, stressing beforehand that I apologize in advance if it is not that awesome (a habit I have taken to lately, in general, as few people are as intrigued by my intrigues as I am, obviously). Chris responds by saying something sarcastically-jokey like, “How could that possibly be?” and it doesn’t seem mean or anything, just teasy. We turn around and drive down that street and find that the paper cuts are somewhat cool, though at the same time, notice there are security cameras everywhere. My point-of-view floats from outside myself up high into the air, where I see them pointing down at us, and we think that it sucks because they now have his license number, and I wonder what the implications are. A car begins to follow us, and Chris speeds up and drives faster. We drive down this section of road and he crosses over the small section of wood, and there is a road on the other side that he drives back up (like a u-turn with the turning point being the small patch of woods). A train immediately comes by to block off the entrance, as in some action movie, and we get back to the main road without the car following. Fast-forward, and I am in tiny room waiting for the others. Someone is sleeping on my lap, which I recognize as a band member from G&V (?) only it is none of them. He is exceptionally handsome and looks a little bit like Troy though he is not – and I am looking at him and marveling over how that can be true yet I can be completely unattracted to him. I am exchanging texts with Chris, though I don’t quite remember what about; they seem to be simple dialogue. At some point, I am reading a book he wrote and find that, at the top of one page, are words like, “Meeting Vivian Hua.” And the lines from thereafter are not in basic paragraph form but kinda broken, like notes, but I don’t get to finish reading because Troy soon comes and I drop the book. He asks if there’s anything I want to talk about and says if there is, we should talk about it, because, “I have stuff going on, too.” I ask him if he wants to take a walk to talk about things, and he is hesitant. I soon find that someone – it is unclear who – really hates Chris.

Interpretation: I feel I am doing something secretive that I don’t want people to see, a hidden road to walk on. I might need to change roads… make a U-Turn… with these two dreams in succession, it’s really clear to me that there are two paths to be traveled… I am giving the directions, though, and the first direction I give is wrong…

To dream that someone else is driving you represents your dependence on the driver. You are not in control of your life and following the goals of others instead of your own. If you are driving from the passenger side of a car, then it suggests that you are trying to gain control of the path that your life is taking. You are beginning to make your own decisions. (Driving a van = convenience. I am not driving my own car; I’m not even in the passenger’s seat.)

To dream that you are giving directions refer to your goals and purpose. You are on a path toward self-realization.

To see a road in your dream refers to your sense of direction and how you are pursuing your goals. If the road is winding, curvy, or bumpy in your dream, then it suggests that you will encounter many obstacles and setbacks toward achieving your goals. You may be met with unexpected difficulties. If the road is dark, then it reflects the controversial or more frightening choices which you have made or are making. If the road is smooth and bordered by trees or flowers, then it denotes a steady progress and steady climb up the social ladder. If the road is straight and narrow, then it means that your path to success is going as planned. To see an unknown road in your dream represents a path that has not been ventured. You are setting a new precedence for something.

To see a fence in your dream signifies an obstacle or barrier that may be standing on your path. You may feel confined and restricted in expressing yourself. Are you feeling fenced in some situation or confined in some relationship?

To see blank white paper in your dream signifies your desire to make a fresh start in your life. You need to express yourself through writing or art. Alternatively, blank paper indicates that you need to work on being more communicative.

To see a sculpture in your dream indicates that you are refusing to accept things as they really are. You are afraid that you are not presenting yourself in a positive light or image.

To see a cake in your dream indicates that you need to learn to share and allocate your workload instead of trying to do everything yourself. Cakes also symbolize selfishness or the feeling of not getting your fair share.

To dream that you are being chased signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable. It is a metaphor for some form of insecurity.

To see or dream that you are on a hidden camera indicates that you feel that you are being scrutinized. All eyes are on you.

License Plate
To see a license plate in your dream represents freedom to run your own life and to do what you want to do. (All eyes are on my ability to run my own life.)

Bird’s Eye View
If you dream that you are turning into a bird or seeing things from a bird’s eye view, it means that a personal transformation is in store for you soon. (All eyes are expecting a transformation in my ability to run my own life.)

To dream that you are speeding indicates that you are compelled and driven to complete something. As a result, you may be pushing people away. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you are moving too fast in some relationship or situation. Perhaps you need to slow down.

To see a train in your dream represents conformity. You are just going along with what everyone else is doing. Alternatively, a train means that you are very methodical. You need to lay things out specifically and do things in an orderly and sequential manner. In particular, if you see a freight train, then it refers to the burdens and problems that you are hauling around. It is also symbolic of manual labor. If you see a passenger train, then it relates to mental work. Dreaming of trains may also be a metaphor that you are “in training” for some event, job or goal. To dream that you are crossing railroad tracks indicates that you are going against the path that others have laid out for you. You are doing your own thing and not what others want or expect of you. Alternatively, the dream symbolizes a transitional phase. Consider the phrase of coming/being from “the wrong side of the tracks.” Perhaps it signifies the progress you have made. Do not forget about your humble beginnings.

To see the woods in your dream represent life, fertility, rejuvenation, and spring. Alternatively, the woods symbolize the unknown and the subconscious. You need to open yourself up to discovering your potential and your instinctual nature. (Crossing into the unknown.)

To make a u-turn in your dream indicates that you are altering the course of your life. You are changing directions and starting on a completely different path. Alternatively, the dream means that you have made a wrong decision or choice.

To see books in your dream indicate calmness. You are moving toward your goals at a slow and steady pace. Books also symbolize knowledge, intellect, information and wisdom.

To write or read a journal in your dream suggests that you are trying to change or rewrite the past in order to suit your own needs. Consider what is written in the journal and how it is similar or dissimilar to actual events in your waking life. Alternatively, the dream symbolizes some memory or event. (Haha…?)

To read or write a note in your dream suggests that there is an important message that you need to convey. There is something that you need to let others know. (I need to hear a message…?)

To dream that you or someone has a secret represents hidden power. It suggests that something is emerging from your subconscious.

Flyering or something to promote the K-pop/J-pop DJ night. Very long dream but I can’t remember too many details. Vaguely recall the presence of a boat (always with the boats these days!) We all pack into a staired room with many levels, kinda like a mini ampitheatre. I am at the top and run back to my room, down the hall, to grab m camera. Come back and begin photographing by saying, “Yut, yi, sam,” and initially no one really responds to that or knows what to do other than a couple. I say it again a second time, more pose and say it. and I say, “let’s try it again,” and do it a third time, and the room roars in response. Someone else decides to say it on my behalf one more time, but by then I had put away my camera or intended to, and I hear someone comment about how I basically don’t want to relinquish control. People scatter and funnel out towards the bottom of the room…

Many dreams, all very vivid, so vivid they feel real. The particularly noteworthy one is that I interview Marina Abromovic (had just watched a documentary about her that day) and it was an extended interview, basically twenty minutes long, and very personal. Don’t remember the questions really other than the last one, which was related to the role of the artist and what kinda role selfishness played in it. Her response was not really a response at all, at least pertaining to the question, though it made it seem like it was an important question, even if it maybe was not to her? Not sure. It was very jokey and like I was talking to an old friend by the last question, or something, like knee-touching and slapping style maybe.

Dream #1
I am on a tour trip with a bunch of people. We are searching for a castle to the east, by way of boat. Other people have gone ahead first, but Shane and I are heading out there together on separate boats. The trip there is relaxed; we’re practically reclining in the boats out on open water… but suddenly, I feel that something is wrong, that I need to head back to the island we just passed to find out directions because I am no longer sure where we are heading. I go back, though I think he keeps going. The island is dim and full of Korean tourists. I search for a tour guide and learn from him or her that the castle does not really exist. I call Chris, nervous that he is forever lost. The phone doesn’t even ring and he answers. He is back in Santa Barbara and has left without saying goodbye. The reason or excuse he gives is one about me needing to communicate something to him in order for him to move forward; he is somehow timid about approaching me without me clearing out my own issues. However, for this last part (his reasoning and excuse), I feel that I am becoming slightly lucid in the dream and that perhaps I have invented the reasoning that is not actually there.

To play the tourist in a dream is to be aware of the fact that we have the necessary information to do what we want, when and how we want but that ultimately we are choosing not to do so. A tourist in a dream is someone who does not know his way around. If we are the tourist then we need to look at that aspect within ourselves. If someone else is the tourist then we need to be aware of what help we can give other people.

To dream that you are in or see a boat signifies your ability to cope with and express your emotions. Pay particular attention to the condition and state of the waters, whether it is calm or violent, clear or murky, etc. Are you “smooth sailing”? Alternatively, you may be ready to confront your subconscious and unknown aspects of yourself. The dream could be telling you not to rock the boat and to stay out of harm’s way. To dream that you are trying to jump off a boat suggests that you want to confront those difficult emotions and approach your problems head on.

The image of a journey is a very potent one in dream work. Any time the idea of a journey becomes apparent, it is to do with the way that we carry on our everyday lives and how we move forward. Every step that we take towards understanding ourselves and the world we live in can be pictured in terms of a journey, and the dreams that a person has reflect that movement. Making a long journey, for example, suggests leaving friends and family, as would running away to sea. Making a short journey would be investigating an idea or principle in the short term. A difficult journey now behind us means we have come through the difficulties and set-backs of the past. In our ordinary everyday speech we use idioms to suggest our understanding. We speak of the ups and downs of life, of being at a standstill and so on. Each moment is totally unique, and that uniqueness is reflected in our dreams. Mostly dreams are about the here and now and give a snapshot picture as to what is happening at this particular moment, on our individual journey and are therefore a rich source of information as to our psychological or inner state.

Spiritually castles suggest some kind of test or challenge or overcoming obstacles in order to gain greater understanding. Before we can be fully open to other people, we normally have to let down our barriers, and being trapped in a castle may highlight our difficulty in freeing ourselves from old attitudes. Trying to enter a castle signifies that we recognize that we ourselves create difficulties which have to be overcome. To see a castle in your dream signifies reward, honor, recognition, and praise for your achievements. You are destined to a position of power, wealth, and prestige. Alternatively, the dream indicates your desire to escape from life’s daily problems. A castle in a dream may also represent feelings of security, protection, isolation or remoteness. You may have a castle dream when you have realized a desire or accomplished a goal. Darkened castles may be symbolic of unconscious or unfocused desires, at times, black castles represent our failures and white, or lighted castles, symbolize achievement and awareness.

In dreams an island can signify a spiritual retreat – somewhere which is cut off from the world – which will allow us to contemplate our own spiritual Self. Occasionally we all need to recharge our batteries, and to dream of an island can help, or warn us, to do this. Dreaming of a desert or treasure island indicates there is something to be gained by being alone and exploring our ability to cope with such a situation. We may actually function better in some way.

To see or dream that you are a guide indicates that a higher force is guiding you toward your goals. You are on the right path toward personal development or spiritual enlightenment.

To dream that you are having a telephone conversation with someone you know signifies an issue that you need to confront with that person. This issue may have to do with letting go some part of yourself. If you are put on hold, then the dream is a metaphor for being taken for granted or being unable to freely express yourself.

Interpretation of Meanings
I feel like perhaps I need to talk to Chris about some things and that perhaps this path I am on, emotionally, relationship-wise, needs to be addressed in a more open manner — or something. BLAHGHAHTHOAIHSFOAIHDFAODHASDOIASDOAISDOASIDH.

Dream #2
I am giving oral to Troy, but he is angry for some reason, and is not turned on because of it.

With Sherry on balcony of mall; go inside from third floor after coming from somewhere else. See sliding doors open and TCBY is on the floor below, and we see a worker scooping ice cream into a cup. It is closing, Sherry says, and I am incredulous and ask what time it is; it is something after seven and I can’t believe how early things close. We’d been out all day doing tons of things (long dream I forget most of), including going to 99 Ranch Supermarket – only I think it was closed and was then the number 64 instead of 99. Troy was also around somewhere, though I forget the significance.

Troy is giving some people a tour of a house; perhaps we live in it. He stops at the last room, where Van is naked on one bed with Matt, and on a further bed another couple – or at least the woman – is naked, too. Rather than turning back and ending the tour, Troy waits, and we all watch awkwardly as the women scramble to put on their clothing just so the tour can continue.

I am of the feeling that there are possessions which lie beneath the surface that are eating away at me. They are ostensibly minor but manifest in he and I being in mid-conversation until she comes along and then him just stopping ours to instead begin one with her. Or they manifest in he and I holding hands and then him throwing mine down in a flurry to instead approach her. Or they manifest in the dedication with which he responds to her every tiny tragedy with such attention – whether it be negative or positive, but still with such a degree of rapt awareness – whereas with me, he twice notably has failed to ask questions and twice offered to do a calming meditation together only to fall asleep immediately, instead increasing the nervous tension previously attempting to decrease. The negative attention towards her seems just as intense as the positive attention: explosive, possessive, all-encompassing. He seems to think it is healthy in its negativity, that it is breaking a cycle of putting up with her tragedies, but in fact it is perhaps even more consuming, for it is not breaking any cycle; it is merely changing it into a different form – one that looks as though a child is lashing out and getting revenge on past grievances without knowing just why, though the child retains the intensity of his pervasive emotion. The dream, I feel, is spotlighting that sentiment of my waiting upon transcendence above a closed system of habits ultimately more important and embedded than any newly introduced species such as myself might be. It’s as though there can be another life, but it is still confused, still not powerful enough to have him refrain from saying words to the former lover like, “I will always love you,” in the presence of me, because again the past sentiment has more urgency than any of the urgencies of the present time. These lines, these actions, he brushes under the rug, scoffing to say that declarations of love are merely the words of drugs or friendly sentiments – but they are more than that. Below, they are known as truth; above, they manifest as possession, as a lack of truly letting go, as a sequence of ongoing events that have begun and continue, with both in its self-perpetuating qualities and the amplification of my growing self-consciousness mutually working to pave a road to ruin.

at some crazy bar with something like karaoke, only not really; it’s for dancing, instead. people pick songs and then two ladies — well, two rotating pairs of two ladies — play songs on the piano and get people riled up. i remember in particular on song with really fucking amazing piano and two black women are playing it and the’ve gotten more attention on themselves, i think, than the dancers are interested in dancing. the one sitting on the left of the piano (they are sharing) is particularly amazing, jerry lee lewis style, and i am astounded. get the sense that troy is not pleased with me.

fast-forward and troy and some other people and i are walking around outside. pass by a block where on one corner is a giant building with red poofy letters; it’s some sort of donut shop only it doesn’t look like that at all; someone has described it as akin to what a keg?? would look like if turned into a building. that or something similar. on the opposite block, mars hill church, only they have similar poofy letters, as though they have purchased the adjacent building from the donut people, and their sign is all fucked up, half saying they are mars hill church and half saying donut stuff and popping out here and there super fucking strangely. soon, we drive somewhere and get out of a car. three other people go in and shua and i are outside discussing what to eat, and i feel like i can’t afford anything at this mexican restaurant we’re about to go to, and then realize that i might be able to eat some tacos! go inside and when i first enter, some mexican dude says hola china (intent — he actually says something slightly different), and i say hola, and we all sit down and there are maybe six people, and my mom is there. i am in a corner, near a doorway, actually, perched atop a doorway, and my mom is at the table to my left, troy at the table to my right, some people at both tables with them. i am vaguely looking in my mom’s direction and she keeps telling me not to look because she is afraid i will get the dude’s attention, and i say i talk to mexican people all the time and it is never unfriendly and they are never super serious about wanting to get with me. i say that that’s happening in los angeles, peru… all while perched up high, near the ceiling. at one point i say really definitively and authoritatively, “we shouldn’t fear other people,” and i say this and take a huge bite of food, and then put my index finger up to signal that i am going to say something else, just as sherry starts to say something. the elderly man next to my mom acknowledges aloud that i am going to say something else — and he seemed impressed by my first statement — and i say add, “unless they look really crazy. you can always tell the really crazy ones. they got crazy eye,” as i recall in my memory one i had seen recently (in the dream) who was batshit insane and looked very obviously that way. beneath me is a really thin and narrow doorway, and three-five men have just come to the restaurant. the first of them says, “there’s a doorway here,” and the others follow. the third man is so tall that he has to duck to pass me as i am perched up in the doorway. after this, i come back down and talk a little at troy and sherry’s table…

None of these dream symbols mean anything to me.