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sadness

i am upstairs in an attic or something. it’s someone else’s house, i think sherry’s. tin-win is sitting on the bed next to me, sherry in one corner to my right, near the door, someone else to my back left (female) on a chair, someone else to the far back left in the corner (male) on a chair. i feel like there is a shower in the top right corner of the room. it is a square room. a dresser sits to the top left.

there are three distinctive bags of candy strewn about on sherry’s bed, and i ask her if we can eat from one of them. two of the bags seem to be kit-kat varieties initially, though i’ve never seen them before. i make tin-win and sherry choose which bag to eat from; tin-win chooses the kit-kats that look like they’re in a normal wrapper, and sherry chooses some that are in a white wrapper. i’m not sure what the reasoning is — there is some kind of arbitrary reasoning — but i choose sherry’s. i throw one to her and she breaks off one strip of the four, then throws it to tin-win, who comments on how it is smart that she broke off one piece of the four. she throws it to me, and i pass it along to the people behind me. i don’t actually recall eating it myself, and if in fact ther were four pieces and everyone else took a piece, i dunno how i would have eaten the piece.

so initially, we’re throwing around the entire bag, i believe, but by the time the wrapper gets in my hands, it is just a solitary wrapper. i feel like it is turkish, and i think i may even say that, but when i look at it, it actually has chinese writing. it’s not actually a kit-kat, either.

fast-forward a bit, and this might even be an entirely different dream. i am in a living room, and i think it is my house. it has dark walls. it is elegantly furnished, victorian-esque, i believe. i think it’s just me, maybe. troy (my boyfriend) is somewhere else but i recall being in touch with him over the telephone or something, though we don’t have a direct conversation. at some point, troy one emerges, and he is sitting at the dining room table, made of dark wood. it seems he has a letter i had written him — perhaps THE letter i had written him — and is commenting on it like it was no big deal, like we were still friends, like it was fine. he was asking me about a book i had bought him, and i told him that i didn’t have it anymore because i had lent it to someone in seattle and he had never returned it (that was the truth, in real life). he then asked me if i still wanted to do _______ if i wasn’t going to ethiopia, and i thought in my head that i wasn’t going to ethiopia, but i might be going to portugal, and anyway, i didn’t want to do that…

at some point i am standing fairly far away from him in the room, and he comes up to me and hugs me. i hug him back, and it feels really, really good to be hugging him like that. but then he turns my face towards him, and i really don’t want to look at him because i feel i know what will happen, and what i feel will happen does happen — he starts to kiss me, a lot, on the lips. small pecks. i tell him that i can’t. i think i say i have a boyfriend. i even start tearing up and one rolls down my face. he stops.

fast-forward. we’re in the kitchen. troy is standing to my front right, lenny to my front left. the refrigerator is directly in front of me. lenny meets him and is like, “oh! you’re troy!” as if he knew, though in real life he probably wouldn’t recognize the name and reference. he jokes with troy, “i just started dating her,” and he says oh, and then lenny laughs and is like, “just kidding!” and i don’t know if he says he is my ex-boyfriend or not. i think he does.

fast-forward, and i think lenny turns into my brother phil, or phil just appears and lenny disappears. in either case, phil is weirded out that troy is there and asks if we want to go take a walk around the neighborhood. then asks if we want to go eat sushi. i’m not actually sure that i want to take a walk around the neighborhood, but i agree to. we get outside and it looks like we’re in england, really way back when, with all cobblestone streets, lots of grey, tall buildings. it seems like victorian-era england, though we’re dressed just normally.

we’re walking, and then we come across some broken down cars or something. also grey. old-school. i dunno why but we’re there FOREVER and my brother is trying to help fix them or something, though it’s not like he knows anything about cars and he physically is doing nothing. it’s like he’s just standing around looking at them, but that he feels like he needs to. the back tire, at least in the one troy is standing in front of, is busted and looks like it’s falling apart. there is no driver. my brother is standing near the other car.

meanwhile, i am getting impatient. troy is standing near the second of the cars, doing nothing in particular, and i go talk to my brother, who is standing by the first car, about how i want to leave to go eat sushi and also ask him if i should ask troy just what the fuck happened to him all these months. my brother says that i shouldn’t, but i contradict him and argue that i think i should. i want to leave so i can question him about just what the fuck. i think i wake up.

Attic
To see an attic in your dream represents hidden memories or repressed thoughts that are being revealed. It also symbolizes your mind, spirituality, and your connection to the higher Self. Alternatively, it signifies difficulties in your life that may hinder you from attaining your goals and aspirations. However, after a long period of struggle, you will overcome these difficulties. To see a cluttered attic in your dream is a sign to organize your mind and thoughts. Perhaps, you need to rid yourself of the past and let go of the past emotions that are holding you back.

Bedroom
To dream that you are in the bedroom signifies aspects of yourself that you keep private. It is also indicative of your sexual nature and intimate relations.

Drawers
To see drawers in your dream signify your inner and hidden state and being. In particular, a disorderly drawer represents internal chaos and turmoil while an orderly drawer signifies calmness. Alternatively, a drawer symbolizes your reserves. There is something that you have stored away, but are now ready to use or express. If the drawer is full, then it symbolizes your many resources. If the drawer is empty, then it denotes your need to fulfill your goals.

Candy
To see or eat candy in your dream symbolizes the joys and the special treats in life. It also represents indulgence, sensuality and/or forbidden pleasure. You may be devoting too much time to unimportant issues. To dream of eating crisp, new candy, implies social pleasures and much love-making among the young and old.

Share
To dream that you are sharing something symbolizes your generosity toward others. Perhaps you need to be more generous with your feelings.

Table
To see a table in your dream represents social unity and family connections. If the table is broken, wobbly or not functional, then it suggests some dissension in a group. It may also refer to a sense of insecurity. Perhaps there is something you cannot hold inside any longer and need to bring it out in the open.

Memory
To dream about a memory suggests that you are ready to rid yourself of your old ways and undergo a transformation. You are ready for a new outlook in life. Recalling a memory in your dream may also be less of a shock then if you had recalled the memory in your waken state. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you have learned from your past experiences.

Hugging
To dream that you are hugging someone symbolizes your loving and caring nature. You are holding someone or something close to your heart. Alternatively, it may indicate your need to be more affectionate.

Kissing
If someone tries to kiss you against your will, then it means that someone is shoving their ideas, beliefs and opinions in your face. He or she is forcing you to do something that you do not really want to do. This dream may also mean that you are refusing to accept some repressed aspect of yourself. If you are kissed by a stranger, then your dream is one of self-discovery. You need to get more acquainted with some aspect of yourself.

Tears
To dream that you are in tears signify that you are undergoing a period of healing in your life. The tears symbolize compassion, emotional healing and spiritual cleansing. Alternatively, tears indicate pain.

Kitchen
To see a kitchen in your dream signifies your need for warmth, spiritual nourishment and healing. It may also be symbolic of the nurturing mother or the way that you are for your loved ones. Alternatively the kitchen represents a transformation. Something new or life altering is about to occur. The dream could also be telling you that if “you can’t stand the heat, then you need to get out of the kitchen”. You need to abort your plans. In a woman’s dreams a kitchen symbolizes how she nurtures others.

City
Dreaming of a city, particularly one known to us, is to be trying to understand our sense of community; of belonging to groups. If you dream of a big city, then it suggests that you need to develop closer ties and relationships. You are feeling alienated and alone. To dream that you are in a deserted city indicates that you feel rejected by those around you. To dream of a city in ruins denotes that you are neglecting your social relationships and allowing them to deteriorate.

Victorian
To dream that you are in the Victorian period indicates that you are feeling sexually repressed. You feel you are unable to full express yourself.

Gray
Gray indicates fear, fright, depression, ill health, ambivalence and confusion. You may feel emotionally distant isolated, or detached. Alternatively, the color gray symbolizes your individualism.

Car
In modern times most people will dream about the car or other similar forms of transport. Dreaming of a carriage, such as a horse-drawn one, could be suggestive of old-fashioned attitudes to modern thinking. All vehicles reflect the physical body, so anything wrong with the vehicle may alert us to a problem. A car in particular is a reflection of a person’s self-image and possibly sexuality and indeed any part of a car has significance. The back tires might suggest our support system, the steering wheel the way we control our lives and so on.

Tires
To see tires in your dream suggest that you are dwelling too much in the past and need to move on toward the future. It also refers to your emotional health and your ability to bounce back from adversity. You are able to carry yourself from one situation to another with confidence. To see or dream that you have a flat tire indicates that you are feeling emotionally drained and weary. Your goals are temporarily hindered and as a result, you are unable to progress any further. To dream that your tires have no more tread suggests that are unable to get any traction toward achieving your goals. Decay in dreams is evidence of the natural cycle of life:growth, decline and regeneration. Out of decay comes new growth and knowledge.

assessment of interpretations:
not sure, but there are certainly recurring themes of:
[1] letting go of the past;
[2] sexual confusion and frustration.
i will say that all of these things have been on my mind and were also discussed last night right before going to bed. the victorian-era thing seems natural to associate with troy one as well, so i wonder if, in general, he just represents the entirety of the victorian era (inability to express oneself sexually) as a whole, or if it is him in particular… because i can’t figure out why he would appear in my dream after so long…

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the police are looking for george clooney in a city with super narrow streets and high walls (kind of like siena in italy, or something). they are looking for a really long time and finally give up. i run into him after the chase is over, and i run to him. i jump up and hug onto him, like a koala bear, and am bawling FURIOUSLY. (i have never cried like this in a dream or in real life.) soon thereafter, he lets me down and says, “but i am going to see you in a couple days!” and i instantly start laughing, pretty hysterically, and go on my merry way again.

inspiration:
troy [m] was totally on tour when i had this dream. i didn’t realize this until the moment i was retelling the dream to him, but it was totally about him… and at the point when i had the dream, he was totally coming back in two days’ time. ridiculous!

interpretation for “police”:
To see the police in your dream, symbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control. You need to put an end to your reckless behavior or else the law will catch up to you. Alternatively, the dream refers to failure in honoring your obligation and commitments. If the police are trying to arrest you for some crime of which you are innocent, it foretells that you will successfully outstrip rivalry. If the arrest is just, you will have a seas on of unfortunate incidents. To see police on paro le, indicates alarming fluctuations in affairs.

interpretation for “crying”:
To dream of crying, is a forerunner of illusory pleasures, which will subside into gloom, and distressing influences affecting for evil business engagements and domestic affairs. To see others crying, forbodes unexpected calls for aid from you. // To dream that you are crying, signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In your daily lives, you tend to ignore, deny, or repress your feelings. But in your dream state, your defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of those feelings that you have repressed during the day.

interpretation for “tears”:
To dream that you are in tears, signify that you are undergoing a period of healing in your life. The tears symbolize compassion, emotional healing and spiritual cleansing. Alternatively, tears indicate pain.

interpretation for “laughing”:
To dream that you laugh and feel cheerful, means success in your undertakings, and bright companions socially. Laughing immoderately at some weird object, denotes disappointment and lack of harmony in your surroundings. To hear the happy laughter of children, means joy and health to the dreamer. To laugh at the discomfiture of others, denotes that you will wilfully injure your friends to gratify your own selfish desires. To hear mocking laughter, denotes illness and disappointing affairs. // To hear laughing or dream that you are laughing, suggests that you need to lighten up and let go of your problems. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. Laughing is also a sign of joyous release and pleasure. If you are being laughed at, then it indicates your insecurities and fears of not being accepted.

assessment of interpretations:
i have no idea what to make of the quick changes in emotion. pretty interesting.

vivian:
lenny and i have broken up obviously and apparently it is now a fairly well-known fact that jeanette and lenny are trying to hook up with one another. disturbing, obviously. we’re at some house, though, and i’m trying to seduce lenny sexually. apparently this is also fairly well-known, and we’re in some room together, him on the bed, me walking around, and jeanette comes in and goes to use the bathroom in this room, and doesn’t say anything else, really, but is just trying to be unobvious in her obvious attempts to see what we were doing.

at some point i freak the fuck out about the idea that they’re trying to get together and like slap the shit out of lenny. lol. quite uncomfortable!!!

later on, we all go to some store. i don’t know what is going on there but i think i have my hands down lenny’s pantalones at some point. and then i have them down my pantalones but it feels like my hands are down his pantalones :0 (aka penis).

we go inside and there’s this busy busy store with lots of trinkets and jeanette has a big bag. she wants to steal this weird little collection of items that are displayed on one sheet of cardboard yet don’t really have anything to do with one another. she starts stuffing stuff in her bag and to my right, i see a camera, but i don’t mention it because i think that the rack right next to me will be blocking the camera.

i am looking at a rack full of little puff stickers thinking of what to get roxanne or someone. on that rack also, there are some rubber bands of the awesome kind that i used to get from taiwan that don’t stick to your hair when you pull them out. sherry and i are marveling over them and we each decide to buy a pack.

then later on we’re all gathered and sitting for some meeting or display put on by the store owners for us. halfway through the meeting, the demonstrator gets a phone call and she picks it up and then hangs up and walks over to jeanette’s bag and pulls out the stolen items. jeanette is obviously freaking out and i am slightly nervous because it turned out i had forgotten to pay for those rubber bands i wanted to buy!

jeanette:
i had a dream that this guy (bob schaeffer *fake name*) hated me. he’s jordana’s bff from college who is now her roommate. and he dates (kind of?) stacy.

anyways. he hasn’t always been my favorite person. in fact, currently, he is still on my “eh” list – but i have grown to like him more and more in the past few months.

in the dream, he was the LEADER of a group of people who were my “friends” that hated me. like, HATED. it was such a horrible feeling. not that i particularly care if they love me. but i guess, just like in real life, i dont need to be LOVED by everyone but it really does feel awful to be hated. intensely, hated. part of the reason they hated me was because they had gotten to my planner, which doubles as a journal (not currently, but has in the past) and read about how i talked shit about them. etc. childish. regardless.

oh ya, and even tho it was so very fake (not a REALITY dream, where all the components are real) but like certain things that i thought (in my dream) really did happen. like when i found out josh HATED ME. i thought to myself, but at the beer pong tournament when he was BBQ’ing for everyone, i was being super nice and gave him more than one hug for making food for everyone. ahhaha. like that. dream, not real. but thought back to real things that DID happen. am i confusing anyone?

weird. and strange and horrible. i woke up thinking something i never thought would cross my mind especially not first thought when waking: “OMG DOES BOB SCHAEFFER HATE ME?”

sounds like some silly cheeseball teen movie. or tv show. or some silly teen’s real life reality.

abe:
i had to shoot one of my buddies because he went nuts and took hostages. it was real life friend who also became a cop, though it didn’t look like him. but in the dream i knew it was him. he took a bunch of kids hostage in a bus and threatened them with grenades. but kids were running off. i remember this one little girl was running off, but this fat kid was holding onto her yelling for her not to leave him. which is weird, because not too long ago i went on a call of a robbery of a little asian kid being jumped and during his getting beaten up, he was yelling and reaching out for one of his friends who was standing there — a girl.

so anyway, i run up and i’m trying to pull the girl away. then my friend runs up to that end of the bus, and he has the grenade in his hand. he pulls the pin. so i drew my off-duty gun and shot him three times in the head/face area. then i drug him out of the bus with the grenade still in his hand, and i run as far away as possible. but then somehow, he wasn’t dead. he tried to grab at my gun so i shot him three more times and kicked him off me. the grenade never went off.

then the 2nd part was how he got to that point. it was like a flashback. i guess he was having a lot of professional trouble in his department and was getting into it with his superiors a lot. so for whatever reason, they hold a public hearing in san jose, in a big arena type place.. where he was grilled by some council. and he couldn’t really provide answers and seemed really dejected. so the crowd is in the background, yelling for his resignation, and the council voted to do so. and i saw his mom running wildly in shock. he was just hanging his head the whole time, and his attorney runs over and holds up a sign saying, “you guys just let him down,” or somethign to that effect.

inspiration: stressful situation at work. let’s just say, i came the closest i’ve ever been to shooting someone.