With Sherry on balcony of mall; go inside from third floor after coming from somewhere else. See sliding doors open and TCBY is on the floor below, and we see a worker scooping ice cream into a cup. It is closing, Sherry says, and I am incredulous and ask what time it is; it is something after seven and I can’t believe how early things close. We’d been out all day doing tons of things (long dream I forget most of), including going to 99 Ranch Supermarket – only I think it was closed and was then the number 64 instead of 99. Troy was also around somewhere, though I forget the significance.

Troy is giving some people a tour of a house; perhaps we live in it. He stops at the last room, where Van is naked on one bed with Matt, and on a further bed another couple – or at least the woman – is naked, too. Rather than turning back and ending the tour, Troy waits, and we all watch awkwardly as the women scramble to put on their clothing just so the tour can continue.

I am of the feeling that there are possessions which lie beneath the surface that are eating away at me. They are ostensibly minor but manifest in he and I being in mid-conversation until she comes along and then him just stopping ours to instead begin one with her. Or they manifest in he and I holding hands and then him throwing mine down in a flurry to instead approach her. Or they manifest in the dedication with which he responds to her every tiny tragedy with such attention – whether it be negative or positive, but still with such a degree of rapt awareness – whereas with me, he twice notably has failed to ask questions and twice offered to do a calming meditation together only to fall asleep immediately, instead increasing the nervous tension previously attempting to decrease. The negative attention towards her seems just as intense as the positive attention: explosive, possessive, all-encompassing. He seems to think it is healthy in its negativity, that it is breaking a cycle of putting up with her tragedies, but in fact it is perhaps even more consuming, for it is not breaking any cycle; it is merely changing it into a different form – one that looks as though a child is lashing out and getting revenge on past grievances without knowing just why, though the child retains the intensity of his pervasive emotion. The dream, I feel, is spotlighting that sentiment of my waiting upon transcendence above a closed system of habits ultimately more important and embedded than any newly introduced species such as myself might be. It’s as though there can be another life, but it is still confused, still not powerful enough to have him refrain from saying words to the former lover like, “I will always love you,” in the presence of me, because again the past sentiment has more urgency than any of the urgencies of the present time. These lines, these actions, he brushes under the rug, scoffing to say that declarations of love are merely the words of drugs or friendly sentiments – but they are more than that. Below, they are known as truth; above, they manifest as possession, as a lack of truly letting go, as a sequence of ongoing events that have begun and continue, with both in its self-perpetuating qualities and the amplification of my growing self-consciousness mutually working to pave a road to ruin.

at some crazy bar with something like karaoke, only not really; it’s for dancing, instead. people pick songs and then two ladies — well, two rotating pairs of two ladies — play songs on the piano and get people riled up. i remember in particular on song with really fucking amazing piano and two black women are playing it and the’ve gotten more attention on themselves, i think, than the dancers are interested in dancing. the one sitting on the left of the piano (they are sharing) is particularly amazing, jerry lee lewis style, and i am astounded. get the sense that troy is not pleased with me.

fast-forward and troy and some other people and i are walking around outside. pass by a block where on one corner is a giant building with red poofy letters; it’s some sort of donut shop only it doesn’t look like that at all; someone has described it as akin to what a keg?? would look like if turned into a building. that or something similar. on the opposite block, mars hill church, only they have similar poofy letters, as though they have purchased the adjacent building from the donut people, and their sign is all fucked up, half saying they are mars hill church and half saying donut stuff and popping out here and there super fucking strangely. soon, we drive somewhere and get out of a car. three other people go in and shua and i are outside discussing what to eat, and i feel like i can’t afford anything at this mexican restaurant we’re about to go to, and then realize that i might be able to eat some tacos! go inside and when i first enter, some mexican dude says hola china (intent — he actually says something slightly different), and i say hola, and we all sit down and there are maybe six people, and my mom is there. i am in a corner, near a doorway, actually, perched atop a doorway, and my mom is at the table to my left, troy at the table to my right, some people at both tables with them. i am vaguely looking in my mom’s direction and she keeps telling me not to look because she is afraid i will get the dude’s attention, and i say i talk to mexican people all the time and it is never unfriendly and they are never super serious about wanting to get with me. i say that that’s happening in los angeles, peru… all while perched up high, near the ceiling. at one point i say really definitively and authoritatively, “we shouldn’t fear other people,” and i say this and take a huge bite of food, and then put my index finger up to signal that i am going to say something else, just as sherry starts to say something. the elderly man next to my mom acknowledges aloud that i am going to say something else — and he seemed impressed by my first statement — and i say add, “unless they look really crazy. you can always tell the really crazy ones. they got crazy eye,” as i recall in my memory one i had seen recently (in the dream) who was batshit insane and looked very obviously that way. beneath me is a really thin and narrow doorway, and three-five men have just come to the restaurant. the first of them says, “there’s a doorway here,” and the others follow. the third man is so tall that he has to duck to pass me as i am perched up in the doorway. after this, i come back down and talk a little at troy and sherry’s table…

None of these dream symbols mean anything to me.

Go to Goodwill, I think with Matt [L], because I need to get him some sort of camera or something for a shooting project. I buy an item I think is a camera, and we go to some outside garage area to study it. I think the items are put on some car hood or something. Matt decides he doesn’t want it because he doesn’t have an AC adapter or something to hook the camera up to his computer. He goes back into the store to get something else. As I am playing with the non-camera camera, I come to realize that it’s some sort of weird highlighter pen hooked onto a really intense motor that also looks like some sort of eye doctor’s contraption at times. It’s fucking intense!!! As I was unscrewing parts I had some fears that it would blow air into my eye or something but luckily that never happened, though there were certainly some ocular-looking circles and variations on that. The whole contraption is like a miniature jackhammer or something, with a highlighter on the end. I think about how I can swap out the highlighter for a carving tool instead and make some art, but then change my mind, thinking that I should return it and save money since Matt isn’t going to use it. I have also bought something else though I don’t remember what that item is. It is $4, though, I later see on a receipt, and the camera is $7, but I’ve also gotten a slight amount deducted from my bill due to turning in some items. There’s some other stuff, but I don’t quite remember.

To see a camera in your dream signifies your desires to cling on and/or live in the past. Alternatively, it may indicate that you need to focus on a particular situation. Perhaps you need to get a clearer picture or idea. To dream that the camera is broken indicates that you are ignoring an issue or refusing to see the big picture.

To see a jackhammer in your dream suggests that you need to make some drastic changes in your life. Break away from your old outdated attitudes and habits.

To see a highlighter marker in your dream represents enlightenment. There is something that you need to pay closer attention to. Consider what you are highlighting and the significance of the message.

Walking down a street in Portland, in a fancy part of town that reminds me of Nob Hill in London or something. Am with some girl; I forget who. Pass by a store, and it is a Red Light that is closing down, much to my surprise, and there is a heap of kind of brightly colored dresses in a corner of the window (I am reminded of some sort of blue-yellow Snow White type dress). I walk in to see what is going on and if they have any sales and there are two ladies who are working there. One owns the place and she is not happy; the other is a little more active but barely. They are cleaning things up, kind of, but before I know it I start to help them clear off a particular table full of clothing. I begin by hanging up some shirts and putting them on a rack, and as that is happening, I just have the obsessive need to finish moving them all. The girl I am with finds this weird and I ezplain that I started doing it so I have to finish. The ladies in the store pay me no real mind. some guy walks in and I think is wondering about sales; the more active lady says that there are no sales really. After I’ve finished cleaning it all, it seems the more active lady is getting ready to leave and I strike up a conversation with her on the way out. She basically says it is impossible to make enough money selling rare vintage goods in Portland because they tend to specialize in high-end one-of-a-kind rare pieces that cost a lot of money (this is not like Red Light in real life at all) and that it would only work in a city like Chicago or something. She also mentions that it might work up near the Pearl District and we soon get into talking about her band or something playing at some venue up there. She mentions playing at one particularly fancy one and I kind of make fun or her or disapprove in some way, and she agrees, in a sense, with that disapproval but thinks that it is a fine place to make some money or something. I think by this time we are outside talking about this and there is a group of people who has come to pick her up.

Fast-forward and I have just flown somewhere. I am getting onto a cart thing – like the kind they have inside the airport to move people around – only I am in the fifth row and the driver is one row ahead of me, in the fourth row. There are other passengers filling up the first to third rows, and one person next to the driver in the fourth row. Even though I am sitting on the vehicle (and I guess all of us have our luggage piled on there too), I am skeptical if I am riding on it because I can’t wrap my mind around how the driver would be in the fourth seat and why there would be a seat behind him. Soon, though, I find the entire cart moving and me moving along with it (before I ascertain that, though, I reach my hands out to grab onto the fourth row of seats in case this is not true) and there is an explicit detail that the cart has seats that are dark red-orange, and this is somehow of significance. Soon, Troy and I are in the back seat of a car, and we’re cruising along a really lush highway. Again, outside, it is like there is a sunset happening and everything is turning a beautiful hue or orange. We are searching for where the zoo is – and there is a vague sense that I have been on the phone with someone or had been planning with someone earlier in the dream to go to the zoo at some point; I don’t remember details but this is definitely true – and Troy and I are trying to figure out where it is and keep pointing at random patches of forest or whatever to see if we have found it. I point one out initially that I am sure is it; it is not. We pass some cows that are grazing on the side of the road, bathed in sunlight, fucking beautiful, the most beautiful cows ever, and soon we pass by the actual zoo, and Troy points it out, though when he does I realize that I knew it was it because of a particular hedge or grouping of trees, which, though similar to the hedge or grouping of trees that had earlier confused me into thinking the other part of the highway was where the zoo was, was notably different at this point.

(Lots of other stuff in the dream, particularly with the woman in the beginning, I think, but I don’t remember details. Wake up with Midnight Magic stuck hard in my head.)

To dream of your clothes is symbolic of your public self and how you are perceived. It is indicative of the act you put on in front of others. Clothes are also an indication of your condition and status in life. Thus, if you wear clothes that do not suit you or that you normally would not wear, then it suggests that you are putting up a front and trying to deceive others. Something in your life is “unsuitable”. It may be a symbol of hypocrisy and being someone that you are not. Alternatively, it could also mean that you are revealing a hidden part of yourself to the world.

To dream that you are packing signifies big changes ahead for you. You are putting past issues to rest or past relationships behind you. Alternatively, it represents the burdens that you carry.

To dream that someone else is driving you represents your dependence on the driver. You are not in control of your life and following the goals of others instead of your own. If you are driving from the passenger side of a car, then it suggests that you are trying to gain control of the path that your life is taking. You are beginning to make your own decisions. If someone else is driving you from the passenger side, then it means that you are being misled into thinking that you are in power or that you are in full control.

To see or carry luggage in your dream symbolizes the many desires, worries, responsibilities or needs that you are carrying with you and weighing you down. The size or weight of the luggage parallels the demands you are facing. You need to reduce your desires and problems in order to alleviate the pressure you are putting on yourself. Perhaps you feel that you are being held back by past emotions or issues. Alternatively, luggage symbolizes your identity and sense of security.

To see a highway in your dream represents your sense of direction and your life’s path. Consider the conditions of the highway which will reveal how much you feel in charge of your life. A smooth, straight highway signifies inner peace, while a winding, bumpy road reflects emotional distress/disharmony.

To dream that you are searching for something signifies the need to find something that is missing or needed in your life. The dream may be analogous to your search for love, spiritual enlightenment, peace or even a solution to a problem.

To see the sunset in your dream indicates the end of a cycle or condition. It is a period of rest, contemplation and evaluation.

To see cattle in your dream indicates that you need to proceed with caution in some situation or relationship.

To dream that you are at a zoo symbolizes loss of freedom. Alternatively, a zoo suggests that your abilities and talents are going unnoticed. You or an aspect of your life feels caged in. The zoo may also represent chaos and confusion as implied by the common phrase “this place is a zoo!” You may need to tidy up some situation in your life.

Dream #1
Am at some temple. Gonna blow it up because it is necessary. I am with Troy. We are descending steps until I get to every flat level, and then I plant a bomb. I throw, I think, three (meaning there are three flat spots). Troy says something about white people. I think by the third bomb, the whole temple is rumbling and beginning to crash. I think the temple is supposed to be Ta Keo, my love, of the Angkor Archeological Complex. We are headed out when wood beams overhead start crashing down. I am super nervous and dodging; Troy is walking through obliviously, and I’m saying here and there that he ought to watch out, nervous for him. We make it out, lots of boulders crashing, unhurt. Lots of people are outside, in a park-like area. People come out on a truck loaded with cocaine to escape. Some bags are pink and some are white. Those people all have guns, and I hide behind a tree to dodge, to hide if they were to start shooting. Troy stands out in the open near a picnic table and again seems unconcerned. I’m trying to work out some astrological dates in my head ,thinking it was all exploded on the 19th, the 19th representing chaos and the 20th representing order, and then realizing that in fact, it is the 20th, the day that was to represent order. Fast-forward, and I’m on the street and see a black chalkboard outside of a coffee shop in an area that looks like Europe. I write on the chalkboard that I want to talk to someone about my latent psychic ability to tell the future, and as I am saying that, Raven walks by and I slightly block the sign, almost embarrassed that I have written it and that she has seen it (though it seems she ultimately has not). I feel I have seen her earlier in the dream though I don’t recall where. She enters the coffee shop and I follow, realizing she looks at least twenty years younger. She says she has started drinking an elixir, and I realize that it is related to a (new) job she had mentioned earlier in the dream. She says the elixir is from Seattle and that the people at FYI do good work, even if their products are a bit spendy.

Dream #2
Go to a bookstore/venue with Troy and Johnny. James [M] is there, but I don’t talk to him; Troy does, but I’ve headed to the back of the room and am looking at some magazine that is set near a lot of dark wooden shelves. Most of the magazines have a white insert CD-type thing that mentions tarot and other mystical shit, and I look in the open sample packet for it, but it is not there. I flip through the magazine and there seems to be nothing of worth; it is all fashion-related items, vapid. I try to grab the CD from the other copies, but they are all sealed in plastic. Soon I go to Troy, get ready to go to basement to listen to music or whatever. At some point, we are in a hotel room and we are deciding who to stay with that evening. It’s between staying where we are and going somewhere else. I vaguely remember talking to a lady with a round face and piercing eyes, part-Asian, at some point. She is talking in a circle with Troy and I, in the room next to the bookstore room, connected to the stairs which go down to the basement (I think). Initially, I think to talk about the band downstairs and Swahili, and then she asks what it is what I do. I say video first, to my surprise, followed by photography and art. Then I ask her what she does and really intensely, she says: 1/3 driving and related anxieties, 1/3 exercise – and I don’t know what the other 1/3 is. She has just picked up a new job which she does at home, which reps the exercise portion. I ask her if she likes it, and she seems to not really like it at all, even though to me, the prospect of working at home is great (in the dream). I think of asking her whether she likes working at home, but I don’t.

Dream #1
Unsettling dreams. Gina’s standing on some ladder — and she’s helping their band a lot. Aaron later says something that is a question but its answer implies that Gina is only doing those things because she likes Troy. (I wake up with the unsettling notion that they will turn into something. Lie awake for quite a bit.)

To dream that you are climbing up a ladder suggests that you have reached a new level of achievement. It is symbolic of prosperity, hard work and your efforts. Consider also the phrase of “climbing the social ladder” in which you have achieved a promotion, a higher status, more power, or an important goal. Alternatively, it indicates meditation and prayer. You are setting forth on a spiritual path and higher awareness. Each rung of the ladder is symbolic of a stage in your spiritual awareness. The dream may also highlight how you are looking things from a different perspective. To dream that someone is holding a ladder for you indicates that you will find success if you have the support of others. You will rise to a level of prominence. If you are walking under a ladder, then it signifies bad luck. Perhaps you are having regrets over a decision you made.

Interpretation of Definitions:
I surmise that she will find success in helping their band…

Dream #2
I am in my bedroom, as I often am, naked under the sheets. Desire to do something sexual but also have a TV show playing on the monitor at the head of my bed. Pick up something towards the front of the bed, on the floor, and towards the back, Shawn picks a blanket up off the floor and throws it onto the bed. He is crouched at the foot of my bed, and has been silently watching TV for some time. I scold him for not saying something. noting that I was about to change clothes…

Was freezing all last night. I had also left my door open and Shawn was quite loud when he returned home because he thought no one was around — up until he was in the bathroom and said loudly on the phone, “I am the only one here,” and I replied with a yell, “Not true!” and he giggled a lot.

Dream #3
Really dumb. Adam friends me on Facebook, and the only way I realize that is from seeing who our mutual friends are. Am surprised.